- Homonyms will be outlawed and only one definition will be permitted for any word. A committee will be set up to work its way through the dictionary and decide on which definition should be retained and to concoct new words to replace the those that are oogleflamped.
- The new Doctor Who and the new James Bond will be one and the same person.
- The Carmarthenshire village of Bancyfelin will inexplicably win Miss Universe.
- Shoes, gloves and nostril covers will now be sold individually. The right will be more expensive than the left.
- The week will be decimalised. The three extra days will be known as Borrday, Hlinday and Sifday.
Happy New Year